esmenet | Entries tagged with mental health i has some

My e.l.f. order arrived today! So many cheap lipsticks/glosses, oh my gosh, I'm so glad I ordered this stuff. I got an eyebrow pencil and some nail polish and other stuff too. (How many eyeliners does one person need? About five, apparently.)

I realized today that it's less than six months till my 21st birthday. Predictions: I will still not be in college. I will be more depressed than I am now, because winter is terrible. I will still not be in consistent contact with most of my friends. I will still be alive. And I will have knitted at least three more hats.

I've been feeling p. good the last few days! My baseline for most of the last year and a half has been 'tired and achy and generally yuck' with a side of 'wondering if I'm just being a lazy-ass', and the bonus that, looking at old DW entries, this seemed to be a usual thing & it did not in fact get better. But this week, since Tuesday, I have been . . . okay! Like, not super great amazing climb mountains and conquer the world, but definitely decent alright good clean desk and put effort into cooking dinner.

I did not realize how much difference there was between that and the way I'd been feeling until it changed.

(The slightly worrying thing is that there doesn't seem to be any direct cause for this mood shift, but I guess we'll deal with that later. I want a record that this happened.)

Everyone has been doing the post prompting meme, and I really wanted to do it, but I've been busy preparing for the HSK and then finals so I guess it's too late now.

I am experiencing all sort of WEIRD EMOTIONAL SIDE-EFFECTS due to having a cold and finals and stuff, and it's slightly fascinating. Weird phases of restless energy and intense sleepyness! Desperately wanting to be social but also wishing everyone would just STOP TALKING TO ME and let me sit alone in my room. A pervasive sense of paranoia!

Actually, that last one is rather concerning. You know those middle bits of Perfect Blue where she's just sitting alone in her apartment and everything's quiet and you know she's quietly self-destructing while waiting for something terrible to happen? It's exactly like that. I spent several minutes staring quietly & being creeped out by the mirror next to my computer, b/c it was pointed exactly so as to reflect only a blank part of the ceiling.

I'm at least listening to music again now instead of sitting in silence, but I don't think it's helping. THIS IS BOTHERING ME.

Does anyone else get like this? What do you do to make it go away?

ETA: okay, I listened to M.I.A. for an hour and it's pretty much gone. Good to know!

lately I am tired and blank and kinda sad and I don't want to touch the things that used to make me super happy in case they don't work anymore

not always just a lot.

(also I miss always being on dreamwidth, and I miss fandom being mostly on livejournal, I use tumblr a lot but it just doesn't feel like I'm talking to people anymore

maybe bc mostly I'm not)

I am feeling pretty alone and in a not-so-great headspace right now; my RL friends are all quite busy lately and I don't want to bother them, and I haven't been particularly inspired or interesting lately so I haven't been posting much here. But I just want to talk to people.

So, um, if anyone wants to talk to me about anything, anything at all, now would be a good time. Here is my phone number, those of you who have access to it and would like to text me (or call, if you want—I'm a little out of practice talking to people on the phone, though, and I'm going to bed pretty soon).

I hate being sick. I haaaate it, because it means constant discomfort, halved sleeping time, and getting absolutely nothing done because I'm too focused on distracting myself from being sick to concentrate on anything that involves more than a miniscule level of involvement.

This kind of reaction to a minor cold feels some kind of giant personal flaw.

On the plus side, however, I think I am developing a pattern for minimizing the amount of misery! Take Advil or other generic painkiller, avoiding Actafed & similar cold medicines as much as possible (enormous amounts of mucus are preferable to feeling like the inside of one's nose is made entirely of sandpaper), lock self in room with humidifier, and make sure to cook at least twice, because good food is essential. When throat begins to hurt worse than nose, abruptly stop drinking tea altogether, take acid reducer, and shift eating patterns slightly. Wait a few days, and hey presto! Wellness ensues.

Basically I get colds twice a year and never get sick otherwise. Thank goodness for that.

[added later] Also I have just spent fifteen minutes crying b/c I have not finished any of my homework for today and my professor has previously said he doesn't take late work. Fuck it, I'm going to take the zero, because you know what is more important than homework? My physical and metal health.

Current Mood: aggravated

I hate it when people tell me to calm down, because I always have the immediate reaction of FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT.

Although that does kind of help, I suppose.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Rihanna -- Disturbia

There is just something about food that I know is made by other people to feed someone else—rather than by big machines as a 'product'—some element, some reminder that can pull me out of a bad day. Food is food is food, yes, but see this pint of ice cream with the label stuck on crooked? This little overpriced container of hummus I know to have been made by someone I've probably met? That big carton of Italian Ice with 'MANGO' written on it in Sharpie, sitting in the freezer of the candy shop downtown? Even though they're not made with me in mind, even though they're probably not made with anyone specifically in mind, the very idea that someone else made this and I am eating it can help a lot.

The above paragraph is no longer as true as it was when I wrote it five hours ago.

What really, truly helps me on a bad day is sitting down and putting on my high-heeled shoes. Just thinking about them helps: they're black leather, not patent but kind of shiny, four-inch heel with 3/4-inch platform, almond toes, stiletto heels, ankle boots with a zipper up the side. They fit just right, socks or no socks, though my feet do get a bit sweaty without. High heels, zippers, platforms, a close fit: all these things give an illusion of support and stability, and the illusion is just real enough.

I bought these shoes four days ago, and already they are worth more than I paid for them.

( Tangentially related to the second paragraph )

Now off to watch the second episode of the Ouran drama & let my eyes dry out a bit. And then maybe some late dinner.

ETA: . . . without subs, again. At least I'm getting plenty of listening practice?

I find actors to be very scary. I mean, they're mostly very nice people, it's just that they're so good at something really hard, something that's related to what I do/can do but different enough that I don't understand it very well, and that's super intimidating.

For dancers, it's the same thing. And artists—that is, artists of the making-shapes-with-pigment-on-paper-or-pixels variety— as well.

Musicians, not as much. Unless they play a string instrument, in which case it's ten times worse at least. Because then it's all mixed up with envy towards them and anger at myself for not being better than I am after ten years. (Not as much with female musicians as male musicians, it seems. Hmm.)

Writers, not at all. If they're really good, then I respect them; if I love their writing, then I try to figure out what I like so much about it. Even if I've got a ways to go writing-wise, I have the generalities figured out to the point where someone who writes better than me is exactly that; I may end up crying when I'm writing something wrong and I don't know how to fix it, but good writers just make me ask good questions. The admiration may be there, but the intimidation is completely gone.

Directing is close enough to writing, I think, that directors don't scare me either. Nor do cooks, bakers, knitters, fashionistas, etc. Or, say, mountain climbers. I guess if it's something I know quite well, or something I don't know at all, then I'm not nearly as freaked out as I am by something familiar that I'm not good at.

I really did like Winter's Tale, though! Not so much because it's a great play as because the Illinois Shakespeare Festival always has great acting, directing, etc. They're super good. My favorite actor from last year is gone, though. :(

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broken-nosed gods

[j.a. seazer music at max volume]

Entries tagged with mental health i has some

(no subject)

at last, a non-ironic use of this tag

make it stop please

(no subject)

creepy drummer dude yesterday did not help at all, I might add

I really wish I had a Cutie Honey icon

this psychology is more sideways than reverse, I think

I wish I didn't feel the need to title all my entries, sometimes I'm just not up to it

this was going to be a post about the performance of Winter's Tale I just saw

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March 2024

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